03.25.03  This is one of those things that qualifies as both Japan-related and random irrelavent-ness-itude. (I deny all claims that my English has atrophied. As you can see, I can still use big word. s. )
As most of you know, one of the axioms I define reality by is Video Games = Good. This goes for something with mindblowingly astounding graphics that makes smoke pour out your Gamecube, or something as simple as a strategy board game. Today, I would like to point out a shining example of excellence in the latter.
I recently stumbled across a game called Samurai, available at this site, which is simply superb. It's a strategy style game similar to Risk, but more simplified. It's set in feudal Japan and you play the role of a warlord vying for pledges of support from the various regions around Japan in order to eventually become sovereign of the nation. You do this by placing hexagonal pieces on a map of Japan that appeal to different castes in society. Of course there are various wildcard pieces that keep the strategy varied and interesting.
The game itself is just well-designed. It's easy enough to learn quickly, but also varied enough that it can get tough fast (especially with 3 or 4 players). The beauty of the game though is in how goddamn well it's made! Everything about this game is a pleasant enough experience that clicking on the icon to start it up is like taking a hit off the Peace Pipe (sorry, I watched Shanghai Noon last night so I'm in an pseudo-Old West frame of mind). The layout of the game window is simple and ordered and everything is clearly labeled so you're never tempted to even look for a manual to find out how to do something. When playing an online game with someone (which is a snap, thanks to the server provided by the company) there's a handy chat window right next to the map so you can talk trash to your opponent while stealing his religious caste support just outside of Kyoto. "That's MY budda, you trecherous samurai bastard!! MINE!!"
The map of Japan is gorgeous and even the backgrounds in menus and whatnot are pretty and soothing. Soothing you say? I didn't even mention the music. It's like aural incense, nice soothing and totally conducive to relaxing your mind and getting into the game. It gets a tad repetitive since just the same piece loops over and over again, but you can turn it off if it gets too annoying.
In all honesty this is one of the slickest, most well made games I've played on a computer, and it's shareware!! Some of the bigger game companies could learn a thing or two from the nice folks at Klear about how to make a solid, well-thought-out game rather than just hitting you in the face with the 3D-graphics 2x4. Not to mention they're customer service is great. Big Matt was having some problems with the service Klear uses to handle their credit transactions so he eventually contacted Klear directly and they not only hooked him up with a solution within one email on the same day, but also promised they'd lay the smack down for the hassle he endured. Klear = Kewl.
The game is $20 and runs on either OS X or Windoze (specific requirements are here) and I have to be honest, I have no problem shelling out for a game that's this well made and this much fun especially when I know the money is going to nice people, nor do I have a problem recommending you do same, should this be the kind of game you enjoy. I wonder if they'd like to add a "Recommended by Hair Flap" badge to their site. Hmmmm, I'll have to ask them about that.
03.17.04  It's so cool how some of the promises of technology are coming true after all. Video phones are still a little ways off but iChatAV is proving to be pretty damn cool. For example, tonight instead of writing a proper update for you fine people I had a fellow ALT here in town, Connor, come over and watch Thunderball on TV. The part that puts my jaw on the floor is that we were watching it with a friend that lives about 40 minutes away.
Yeah, we had the TV on to James Bond and 30km or so away Big Matt joined us via a video chat. While me and Connor were watching on my couch here in Fukuma, Matt was on my computer screen streaming in real-time video as he watched the same movie in Mizumaki, all of us making snide remarks and off-color jokes as if we were all sitting right there on the same couch.
Maybe it's a sign that I'm getting old (yeah, right), but this utterly pedestrian use of impressive, modern technology really made me realize what a cool time we're living in. Imagine trying to explain to your grandparents in any real way that you watched a movie with two of your friends even though one of them wasn't anywhere near your home and see if they don't tell you to stop talking rubbish and massage their bunyons.
Technology = good. Now where the hell is my phaser, dammit!?!?
03.10.04  While we're on the subject of my phone, let's keep the momentum going. (Man, thank god for digital cameras because if there were no photos you wouldn't believe a word I'm about to tell you and you know it. Neither would I.) Along with the phone itself, I got a bag of miscellaneous promotional goodies, all clad in au's trademark, eye-searing orange. It starts with practical items you'd expect then quickly veers into the realm of the surreal.
 First thing I pulled out was a cool little phone strap. Fair enough, it's useful and cool. For the life of me, I cannot fathom why phones the US haven't picked up on the idea that it's useful to have a little hole on the phone so you can thread a strap through it. It just makes so much sense. Reach down and grab the strap that's hanging or poking out of your pocket and out comes your phone. Why NOT?? It makes no sense not to have it!! Yeah, cause there's nothing I like better than having to stop and dig deep into my pocket to fish my phone out. Just LOVE looking like like a masturbating retard in public. Erg, the senselessness of it all is just making me angry, must move on.
 Next up was a collapsable CD case that you can hang on something using a little loop at the top. I'm still not sure what this has to do with mobile telephony, but it's pretty sweet nonetheless and is happily hanging on the wall next to my computer, keeping all my video game discs ready to be popped in at a moment's notice. Cool.
 Then....I pulled out a packet of tissues. Hmmm? Granted, Japan has an obsession with tissue packets since many public restrooms are not equipped with paper towels and people in crowded areas on the street pass them out as a form of advertising, but I didn't quite get the connection to why I was getting them with my phone. Advertising doesn't make much sense since I already bought the thing. Hmmmm, maybe it was just to advise me that when I go out "Don't forget tissue and mobile phone. Feel good!"
 At this point, whenever I pulled something out of the bag I had one eyebrow raised in curiosity/anticipation/fear of what would come next. But it wasn't enough. Honestly, what in the wide, wonderful world could have possibly prepared me for official au chip clips?? Wait...huh?? Chip clips.... cel phone... Snuffleupagus.... brain in flat spin.... Goose, eject!!
 Thankfully, the chip clips had already broken my brain so that by the time I got to the bottom of the bag and pulled out a fucking au rubber ducky and some bubble bath I could no longer process the insanity.
Thank you, Japan, for reminding me you're there, even when I'm doing something as seemingly innocuous as buying a mobile phone. I'm off to therapy now, see ya later.
03.08.04 I've been out of the States long enough now that it's dangerous for me to criticize things. Of course, we all know I don't "criticize" as much as I "openly lambast", but still the fact remains that after three years a lot of things have surely changed back home that I have no idea about, making it folly for me to make direct comparisons to certain things. For example, I'm sure that by now, TV shows have risen above the mindless tripe they aspired to be when I was last there, the religious right has realized what complete fucking morons they all are and started issuing public retractions and apologies to all the people they've bullied, and everyone's quality of life continues to rise on a daily basis thanks to the frugal, yet practical advice offered by Martha Stewart. I'm right, yeah? Please don't tell me if I'm not.
That having been said, I'm pretty sure there's at least one area that the US still deserves to be openly mocked about until it cries like the little sissy-mary it knows it is deep down inside. Yes, friends, cel phones. If you live in the US I pity your sad, little brick that's probably powered by gasoline or a hand crank or something. I hear that you're finally getting color screens now, amazing! Welcome to the 21st Century only 5 years too late. I was looking online other day at various companies' handset offerings and started weeping on my keyboard at the thought of having to come home in 5 months and have to use any of these novel incarnations of now-quaint technology. Sigh.
 Okay, let's give the hyperbole-setting on our phasers a rest for a moment. I bring all this up because I recently had to get a new phone due to a story too long and boring to tell here. Knowing that I was going to be leaving in about 6 months I didn't go for the high-end Sony model I was drooling over, that I was sure doubled as cel phone and mini-AiBo. No I sufficed for a middle of the road beauty that just makes me happy to have the technolust I do. I thought those interested in this Daily Japanese Life Crap™ might be interested in the run down, so let's just take a brief look at my baby.
 Okay, it's blue. That's pretty cool. Moving on, we find one of the coolest features of this phone, which was more-or-less the clincher for me choosing this model. Most phones these days have an out-facing screen that shows relevant info while the phone is closed. This phone's screen is slightly larger than most and has a directional keypad underneath it. The allows me to access mail, internet and the 480x640 pixel camera, all without even having to open the damn thing up!!
Moving on, the screen on this thing is delicious. The resolution is stupidly high and and displays at 26,000 colors. Hoo-ahh! Have I mentioned that when including emoticons in emails (of which there's well over a hundred), most of them are animated? Like when they show up in the mail, they're animated. Wow, not even my computer email does that.
 The feature most touted feature of this phone is, ready for this, the built-in FM radio. Yep, just plug in a pair of headphones and tune into whatever station your little heart desires. Of course, that by itself would just practical. Since this is Japan, we have to take practical and either move it a step towards "fuqing cool" or towards "omg, that's ghey." Fortunately Sanyo chose to go the "fuqing cool" route. So when your little java radio application is running on the phone screen, it goes online and downloads the playlist of whatever station you're listening to and displays the title and artist of the current song!! No amount of hyperbole can make that any cooler than it already is. Granted, there's usually an iPod in my pocket, so there's not a lot of instances when I would use the radio in the phone, but I have had a few occasions to use it and it's handy and works like a charm. What more can you ask for?
 It would be hard to top such a cool FM Radio feature in a phone, but remember, this is Japan we're talking about. "fuqing cool" or "omg, that's ghey." More of the former please!! Say you're lost in a part of town you've never been to, or you're visiting another town and are completely lost (as I managed to do once or twice in Kyoto this summer). You might have said in the past, "Damn, if only my cel phone had a GPS tracker in it."
Uh-huh, that's right.
 GPS tracker on my person at all times, how farking cool is that?? Not only does it tell you your current address and display it on a scrollable map, but you can find a destination on the map, or enter the address manually and it'll give you door-to-door to directions, a la Mapquest. Have I mentioned this wasn't the top-end phone?
So yeah, taking a look at these features, you can perhaps see why not only am I not only unexcited about returning to the sad state of cel tech in the US, I'm downright hostile about the very idea. C'mon, States!! You've got 5 months until I get back to sort it out so I don't go on a rampage! I know you can do it!! U - S - A!! U - S - A!!
Sigh, I'm deluding myself again, aren't I?
03.01.04  I was sitting in the office today, when Malik walks in from Elementary School and tosses a gift snack at me that he apparently got from one of the teachers there. I’m going to be honest with you, this snack was goddamn tasty! It was like a little poundcake-type biscuit with some kind of sweet-bean paste in the middle and it just plain made my mouth happy about being a mouth.
As is the case with any tasty treat, you can’t help but go “mmmmm” while nodding your head, it’s just some kind of evolutionary recation built into the human species to make sure that appreciation is shown so you don’t look like an ungrateful dickhead and get beat to death (I’ll bet you never knew that was such a big problem that it warranted an evolutionary response, did you? See, Hair Flap, dude! You stick with me and I’ll teach you all kinds of things you never knew!).
Instantly upon taking part in the oishi-ness, I desired to know more about this taste-extravaganza so that I might perhaps aquire more of said oishi-ness sometime in the near future. Thus, I took a look at the wrapper... and found a nice soliliquy describing the divine influence of “okashi”(snacks/sweets) on the heart of humanity and how they are virtually indispensable to the yearnings for romance and happiness.
After our oft-recited mantra of “Dude, what the fuck?” was offered in chorus by myself and Malik, we immediately started discussing the possible reasons for not only writing such tripe on a snack wrapper, but for writing such tripe in English. Honestly, who, in the course of developing this product, thought that it would be a good idea to proclaim such attributes in a language that so few of it’s customers would understand?!?
Seriously, if I’m a Japanese person visiting a shrine trying to decide between two snacks in front of me, you'd better believe I'm going to choose the one that values tradition and living in the times, because living snacks are just way too cool not to get, right!? RIGHT!? But I'm not going to get that deal-sealing bit of info unless it's in my native language, so instead I go with the snack next to it that turns into a robot, because that's a kind of coolness that just goes beyond words.
Anyways, we were still puzzled about the English thing so we thought we'd try to ask some of our resident Japanese people what they thought about their snacks speaking more English than they did.
 First, I asked the ridiculously cute Mori-san who sits right across from me (and is sadly married. Thanks a lot, Fate! ) what she thought.
Me: Mori-san, can you understand the English on this wrapper here?
Mori-san: Oh my god! I don’t know. This writing is really small! Is it talking about the taste and stuff? Yeah, uhh I can’t read this.
Me: Why do you suppose this is in English?
Mori-san: (laughing) Maybe because it’s omiyage(souvenir) and it would be given to foreigners?
Malik: (incredulous) Hmmmm, an interesting theory, but...
Mori-san: (laughs)
 Next up was the pretty young thing that sits next to Mori-san, the deliciously adorable Shiraishi-san (who isn't married, but also happens to be my supervisor. Yeah, you can eat a fat dick, Fate, did I mention that?)
Me: Okay, let’s try Shiraishi-san.
Shiraishi-san: Hm?
Me: So first try and read this silly wrapper. Can you understand it?
Shiraishi-san: Chichai!(“small”, referring to the writing) Hmmmm, I have no idea. It’s too small to read.
At this point I'm starting to wonder if "too small" is a colloquial Japanese phrase that means, "I'll be damned if I'm admitting to you that I don't know what this says, you fat weener-head."
Me: So why do you think such an amazing dissertation is on this snack wrapper?
Shiraishi-san: I don’t know. Japanese people like lengthy explanations sometimes.
Me: Ah maybe, ne. But I guess what I’m getting at is that there’s so much there. For example, the Coca-Cola slogan is in English too, but it’s just two words, “No Reason.” So maybe in that case, some people can understand that English and grab on to it. But this? What do you think about so much English being written on a snack wrapper?
Shiraishi-san: It’s wierd. I think most Japaense people think it’s strange too.
Sigh.
So once again, I keep asking and asking and get NO closer to the truth. The mystery of Engrish will have to be solved another day. Move along, nothing to see here. :(
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